my “hope” day (from michelle)

22 March 2007 -- that is the day I call my “hope” day. I finally had some sort of answer that we would be pursuing SOMETHING in order for us to have more children. I had struggled with depression that sent me into whirlwinds of exaggerated fear of living in this city (the crime here is very high), depression that affected everything that I did with my family, depression that affected friendships, and was living a month-to-month hell that continued every time I started my menstrual cycle. The times that I “knew” I was pregnant and got all excited, just to start a few days later. The time that we had a positive pregnancy test, and then a miscarriage. All of it put me into a downward spiral.

22 March 2007 -- that is the day that Rod and I decided that Cristiana and I would go back early to the States for me to get an operation to open my fallopian tube (the reason, we thought, for the 3.5 years of secondary infertility). It is also the day that we decided that the operation would be the last procedure that we would physically do to my body to have more children. (I had been on some meds that made me turn into a completely different person -- not good for our marriage, to say the least.) It is also the day that we decided, that if the operation was not successful, we would pursue adopting a little one from Colombia South America, where Rod was born and grew up.

22 March 2007 -- that is the day that turned my mourning into dancing, the day that my soul lifted. The day that I felt the Lord had heard my cry. The day that I thought the desires of my heart were actually going to come to fruition. The day that the Lord used to bring me back into actively being a part of our family and our community. Somehow, our family was going to grow. And, knowing the hard roads we were going to have to take (surgery and recovery, and if that did not work, then going the hard road of international adoption from one country far away from another country), it was all worth it to know that God was going to grow our family.

I know that all of that sounds very dramatic -- well, it is (and I have been accused of being a drama queen sometimes, but what is life without drama?!). Even a friend of mine said that it was the first time in years (!!) that she had heard “hope in my voice” in emails. (Thanks Menda for that encouragement, it was huge for me!)

That is why I call it my “hope” day.

We are so excited about this new little one that is growing in my belly. But, we are even more excited about the HOPE that the Lord gives us . . . in so many ways. Even when we do not know it, and can not see it through our tears -- we can trust that He is there. Even when we are at our lowest (Sandi, you saw me there!) -- we can know that He is there. Even when we do not know it in our hearts -- we can still believe it in our heads, which can be very hard. Even when it does not make sense, and we watch so many people around us get the desires of their hearts -- we can know that He is there. Even when it is the HARDEST to understand what in the world the Lord is doing -- we can know and trust that He is working. Somehow.

I promised the Lord that I would glorify Him in our story of secondary infertility, regardless of how it turned out. I can only imagine that this is a mere speck in the particles of our world, but my prayer is that He is glorified . . . over and over and over and over again! PRAISE HIS NAME!!!